


Chocolate Porn

by HotCocoaMocha



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Brownies, Chocolate, Chocolate Frog Cards, Chocolate Sauce, Chocolate Syrup, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Hot Chocolate, Humor, I hate that last tag jfc, Ice Cream, Innuendo, Marauders, Valentine's Day
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-09
Updated: 2019-02-09
Packaged: 2019-10-24 15:55:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17707238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HotCocoaMocha/pseuds/HotCocoaMocha
Summary: It's not what you think.(No, really. It's not.)





	Chocolate Porn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Number 1: I can't believe I typed those words.
> 
> Number 2: I can't believe I used those words in the fic and chapter titles.
> 
> Number 3: I really. _Really. LOVE. **BROWNIES.**_
> 
> Enjoy~

Ah, Valentine's Day. That time of the year when all boys and girls exchange gifts and sweets to their darlings...

 

_If only they hadn't gone overboard._

 

Sirius and James glance at each other, then back to the miniature mountains of red, pink and white boxes sitting at the foot of their beds on the floor. It's not even that special day yet (it's actually only the first day of February!) and here they are. Even with the Floating Charm it's a miracle they even managed to gather them all into their dorm—they could  _barely_ see over the top trying to carry them in their arms on the first attempt.

 

The note cards, they can handle.

 

Awaiting diabetes?

 

"What are we gonna do with these...?" James murmurs, eyeing his pile with awe and humorous horror.

 

What  _are_ they going to do with these indeed? Sirius swallows, the huge number of boxes stacked in a messy, intimidating pyramid making his stomach ache preemptively. "I mean..." He trails off before picking up his words again. "It's not like we're going to eat them all in one day, right?"

 

The door to their room opens, and in comes Remus with a decent armful of his own presents, a few others floating here and there for easier carry, and a cute little red and white teddy bear. "Ugh, I didn't think I'd get so many—"

 

He finally turns around after kicking the door closed, and his eyes land on the two monsters at the foot of the other boys' beds.

 

Remus does a McGonagall and drops everything in his arms. " _What the fresh **fuck.**_ "

 

" _Whoa,_ Moony!" James snickers as he wags a finger. "Language, sir! Good thing you're in here or you'd get arrested for that."

 

Laughter bubbles up in Sirius chests and leaks out of his mouth. Remus's wide-eyed reaction and swearing evaporated all of Sirius's initial queasiness.

 

"Oh, shove off, Prongs." Remus waves his wand, using a Floating Charm to gather his boxes and note cards next to his trunk.

 

Peter shuffles in a few seconds later. "Hey guys—WHOA _BUGGER!_ " Like Remus, he too does a McGonagall, his small stack of Valentine's boxes falling to the floor. "H—how—" He gestures wildly to the two largest piles in the room. " _How are you going to go through all of those!?_ "

 

And now the queasiness is back.

 

"Uh..." Sirius curiously picks up a random box from his pile and, unwrapping it, barks out a laugh. "Someone didn't even  _try!_ " He holds up the box to show that it's brownie mix, catching the list of ingredients on the back. "Who adds  _water_ to brownie mix!?"

 

"I got chocolate chip cookie dough." James chuckles as he holds up the cookie dough box.

 

"Just a pair of ice cream coupons over here." Peter casually waves the two coupons in one hand. "What about you, Moony? Anything halfhearted?"

 

Remus hums, digging through before he pulls out a box that's...very out of place, especially with the blue wrapping around it. He snorts. "...Oreo biscuits." A grin breaks out across his face as they all descend into giggles.

 

But then Remus's smile falls. He stares down at the box of Oreos, frowning in concentration as he quickly glances around at the items presented.

 

"What's up Moons?" James asks. "You don't want the biscuits?"

 

"At least it's not just lousy coupons," Peter offers.

 

"No, no, 's not that..." Remus narrows his eyes at the box, turning it this way and that. "Peter, do those coupons get a whole carton of ice cream?"

 

"I...I dunno, lemme check." Peter examines the coupons more closely. "Huh. They do. You can even choose what flavor you want."

 

"...You want those?"

 

Sirius blinks in confusion, as does Peter, who hold out the coupons. "You want 'em?"

 

Remus leaps off his bed and snatches the coupons. "I'll be right back. Take the stuff and meet me down in the kitchen later."

 

He tugs on his shoes and cloak, and darts out of their dorm.

 

Peter glances back and forth between the door and his roommates. "Uh...what stuff?"

 

* * *

 

"You're back!" Peter tosses a pink note card aside, spotting the red plastic bag in Remus's hand. "What'd ya get?"

 

Remus places the bag into a nearby wooden bucket, and pulls it down to reveal a large tub of cookies and cream ice cream. He takes out the bag of chocolate bars and bottles of chocolate sauce, red food coloring and candy heart sprinkles, and places them on the table. He pulls out his wand and mutters a Freezing Charm, encasing the ice cream carton in, well, ice. "That oughta keep it cold."

 

He snatches up the brownie mix from Sirius's hands, scoffing at the part that mentions adding water. "Is there any fresh coffee?"

 

"James actually made some earlier." Sirius points a thumb over his shoulder at the piping hot coffee pot.

 

"Brilliant. Can someone unpack the dough and biscuits?"

 

The young prefect quickly goes to work, dumping the mix into a large bowl with eggs, some coffee rather than water, vegetable oil and drops of red food coloring. Sirius takes out a square baking pan and lightly butters the bottom and sides, watching with mild interest as the mixture in the bowl gradually turns into a nicely dark red, almost as fluid as the butter Sirius melted earlier.

 

Remus sets the mix aside once he's satisfied with how it turns out, taking the cookie dough from James and, in another bowl, mixes in some more red food coloring. Once the color is fully mixed in, he dumps the dough into the pan and pats it down evenly. Then he takes the Oreos and...presses them into the dough...?

 

Sirius raises an eyebrow at Peter, who only shrugs.

 

Remus takes the brownie batter and pours it on top of the layer of Oreos, the batter coming down in a thin, rich and slow red waterfall.

 

Sirius's stomach howls, somehow instinctively knowing the end result.

 

Remus slides the pan into the oven, then grabs the chocolate bars and a cutting board. He unwraps the bars and takes out a knife, chopping all of the bars into fairly small but still large pieces. It takes a while and, to Sirius's curiosity, he pulls out the pan from the oven.

 

The brownie batter is still fairly gooey, maybe only baked halfway?  _Third-way?_ (Is there even such a thing as "third-way?" Probably somewhere in between.) But Remus takes the chocolate barks and sprinkles them on top, almost black brown contrasting with the red brownie layer, and slides the pan back into the oven.

 

Dear whatever gods are out there... The rich, chocolaty scent is a bit too much in the best way possible. ("You're drooling, Pads.") Sirius's leg bounces rapidly in anticipation until the timer finally goes off and Remus pulls on some oven mitts.

 

James makes a not-so-subtle dive but Remus swats him away ("Not. Yet.") leaving James to trudge back to his seat, pouting childishly at the prefect.

 

Sirius had kind of forgotten about the ice cream until Remus pulls his wand back out and points it at the wooden bucket, making the ice quickly melt away from the carton. He cranes his neck to see from where Remus has turned his back to them, only to find the brunette turning around and walking towards them with four small bowls of red velvet brownie slices, topped with two scoops of ice, chocolate sauce drizzled all over and sprinkled with the tiny candy hearts.

 

"Happy Valentine's Day, guys," is all Remus says before picking up his spoon.

 

Sirius eagerly picks up his own spoon and takes a scoop—

 

...Oh.

 

_Oh._

 

_**Yes.** _

 

The brownie isn't too sweet, thanks to the bitterness of the coffee (is that espresso?); and it's just the right kind of gooey that slowly melts all over his tongue, even more so with the melted chocolate added on top. The cold ice cream somehow clashes perfectly with the heat, just as runny as the bittersweet chocolate sauce but creamier—

 

James's ugly cackle cuts through all of the sensations. "Haha— Oh my god— _Padfoot—!_ What the  _fuck!_ "

 

"That's one bloody hell of a reaction there, Pads." Remus is covering his mouth, amusement twinkling in his hazel green eyes.

 

Sirius frowns in confusion. "What? What's so funny?"

 

Peter clears his throat and points down—oh...

 

Somehow, a black dog tail transfigured itself right onto Sirius's tailbone.

 

...He reaches up. Are there also—? Ah, yup. Those are definitely dog ears on his head, too, his human ones completely gone. (Is this an Animagus thing?)

 

James laughs so hard, he actually falls out of his seat and hits the floor.

 

"Whaaaaaaaat!?" Sirius whines, throwing his hands in the air. "I can't enjoy an awesome brownie!?"

 

"It'd be even more awesome if you stopped making those noises," Remus says.

 

James manages to climb back onto his seat, and continues snickering at the sight of Sirius's dog ears pressed flat against his head in slight annoyance.

 

"What, you're embarrassed at my noises?"

 

"Fuck you, Padfoot."

 

"Hm, not now, Moons. I wanna finish this first. You can finish me later."

 

Remus chokes as James freezes and does a McGonagall, his jaw dropping as his spoon falls into his bowl with a loud clang.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cannot believe I actually wrote Sirius's last line there... _My god..._ I don't know why, but I could vividly hear him saying that in my head and my fingers were on autopilot.
> 
> Also, you gotta love those slutty brownies... _so much **chocolate...**_


End file.
